


Hold On to Me

by LyriaBlackFrost



Series: Fool and Chariot [5]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 09:49:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16870735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyriaBlackFrost/pseuds/LyriaBlackFrost
Summary: Akira thought he would deal better with everything that happened after Sae Nijima’s palace, but the following days are among the worsts of his life. Ryuji notices something is different about his partner, and just wants to find a way to help.





	Hold On to Me

**Author's Note:**

> Third fic of this series, and here comes the angst! Sorry, Akira... I love you, but I also love hurting you.  
> I hope you enjoy it!

He was finally back from his brief and terrible stay at the police station, wounds and bruises still fresh and hurting like hell. It took Akira some effort to keep the cheerful smile and make silly jokes in front of his friends, like he usually did, but seeing them was already a relief. He was back… Something he came to doubt would ever happen.

Ryuji, as expected, was the one with the strongest reaction upon seeing him, going from a wide, relieved smile to anger and tears as soon as he paid more attention to his injuries. When everyone left, his boyfriend stayed behind, helping him clean and cover the wounds, and put some ointment on the bruises.

“It hurts!” complained Akira, as Ryuji cleaned a cut on his cheek.

“Sorry, man…” he said, without backing off. “But it’ll be worse if we just leave it like this.”

“You know I can do this myself, right?”

“Yeah, but I don’t trust you to take care of yourself.”

Akira pouted, and Ryuji offered him a light smile.

“It’s almost over,” he said. “Be strong for me, okay?”

“Okay…”

He tried his best not to complain while Ryuji finished his job, being rewarded with a brief kiss on the lips.

“Done,” said Ryuji.

Akira offered him a smile, placing an arm around his waist.

“Damn, everything hurts…” he complained with a grimace.

Ryuji looked at him, clearly worried.

“It’ll get better…” he said.

He reached for Akira’s face, gently contouring it with his fingers, and, once again, tears seemed about to leave his eyes.

“This is so wrong…” he muttered. “So fucking wrong!”

Ryuji placed his arms around Akira’s neck, carefully embracing him. Akira caressed his hair, trying to comfort him.

“It’s fine, Ryuji,” he said. “It’s over already.”

“You could’ve died!”

“We knew it from the start.”

“Yeah, but…”

Ryuji moved away from him, drying his tears with the back of his hand, looking Akira in the eyes.

“Never again, okay?” he said.

“Sure…” Akira shrugged. “I wouldn’t like to die again.”

“You know what I mean, you asshole.”

Akira showed him a smile, but Ryuji’s face made it clear it didn’t seem quite natural.

“Are you really alright?” asked his boyfriend.

“I don’t know,” admitted Akira. “I think so. But everything hurts and my head seems about to explode.”

Ryuji nodded.

“Sorry…” he said. “You shouldn’t have gone through this.”

“There was no other way.”

“I know…” he lowered his eyes, bitting the inside of his lip. “Dammit!”

He carefully cupped Akira’s face, avoiding the injured areas, caressing his cheek with his thumb.

“I’ll never let something like this happen to you again,” he said.

Akira smiled again, but this time it felt more sincere. He reached for Ryuji’s hand, taking it to his lips, kissing its palm. Ryuji approached him, and they kissed on the lips.

When Ryuji left, Akira really felt like everything was fine. It was strange not to accompany him to the train station, as he usually did, but, as Morgana reminded him, it would be stupid to go out and risk being recognized. He went back to his room, reading for a while, until sleepiness started to fall over him. Morgana suggested that he rested.

“You’ve been through a lot,” he said. “Don’t force yourself, okay?”

Akira agreed, lying down, feeling his body relax over the mattress, closing his eyes, falling asleep almost instantly.

At some point in his sleep, he was back at that interrogation room, or at least a distorted version of it. The feelings of dread and fear, though, were the same, as well as the sensation that things didn’t quite connect, like part of his memories had been erased. He tried to say that he didn’t know what was happening, or why he was there in the first place, but his voice didn’t come out, which just resulted in more questions and accusations, until the room was filled with distorted, unintelligible voices. Everything around him looked hazy, and, when he tried to move, his limbs didn’t answer. He wanted to cry for help, but… To whom? Would anyone even come? Somehow, he doubted it.

He woke up drenched in sweat, taking a while to understand that he was in his room. His heart was still racing, and he felt like, even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. And he didn’t want to, not when there was a chance he’d see that nightmare again.

Akira left his bed, careful not to wake Morgana, going downstairs. He wasn’t sure what to do, so he opened the fridge, taking a glass of milk. As soon as he took the first sips, though, his stomach turned, and he barely had the time to run to the bathroom before it all came back. He curved his body toward the toilet, feeling his throat burn, tears leaving his eyes as he coughed.

The things he saw in his dream started to mix with the reality, and that suffocating feeling of despair filled his chest, to the point it was painful and difficult to breathe. He sat on the cold floor, his back against the wall, hugging his knees, sobbing in silence.

 

* * *

 

It had been around a week since it all happened, and Ryuji would be lying if he said he didn’t notice something strange about his boyfriend’s recent behavior. He tried to go see Akira every day after classes, and, what he initially thought was exhaustion, started to keep going for too long, seeming worse every day.

Usually, Akira spent much of his time outside, and maybe being unable to leave his room was making it more difficult for him. That was the main reason he was going to Leblanc almost every day: to try and make his boyfriend’s days a little less tedious. Sometimes, Futaba or one of the other Phantom Thieves would do the same, and, for the most part, Akira seemed… Fine. Talking, smiling, laughing…

But he could feel something was wrong, especially when the two of them were alone. When they talked, Ryuji was the one blabbering endlessly, while Akira mostly stayed silent, sometimes having a distant gaze, as if his mind was far from there. It was the same thing when they watched a movie or series together, and, even when Ryuji offered to do something like play video games — something both of them always loved to do —, Akira would just tell him to play while he watched from the bed. Whenever Ryuji asked him the reason for all of that, he would simply say that he was feeling tired, and Ryuji wouldn’t insist on the subject.

Ryuji entered the Leblanc, greeting Sojiro.

“Oh, it’s you,” he said. “He’s upstairs.”

“Alright. Excuse me, then.”

“Hey, just a moment…”

Ryuji stopped in the middle of his step, looking back at Sojiro, who lowered his voice a little.

“Try to convince him to eat something, alright?” he asked.

His words got Ryuji by surprise, and, for a moment, he didn’t know how to respond. Part of him wanted to ask if something was wrong, but, at the same time, he already knew the answer to that. He just hadn’t had the courage to face the situation yet.

“I… Okay.”

Saying that, he went upstairs, seeing Akira lying on his side over the bed, with Morgana beside him, close to his stomach.

“Hey, babe,” said Ryuji, sitting on the mattress beside his boyfriend, giving him a kiss on the temple.

“Oh, hey...” answered Akira with a light smile.

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine. Just a little tired.”

“Too tired for someone who didn’t leave the bed for the last two days,” observed Morgana.

A light, annoyed frown took Akira’s face. Ryuji placed a hand on his head, caressing his hair.

“Are you in pain, or something?” he asked.

“I’m fine.”

The same answer, and each time it seemed faker to Ryuji.

“Are you eating, at least?” he insisted.

“Yeah…”

“Stop lying,” said Morgana in a low, reproachful tone, facing Ryuji. “No, he isn’t. We all tried to make him eat, but he keeps saying he doesn’t want it.”

“Mona…” complained Akira.

“It’s the truth!” insisted the cat. “If I can’t do anything to change it, then maybe Ryuji can.”

Akira didn’t answer, lowering his eyes to his own pillow.

“Akira…” said Ryuji.

“I’m just tired, that’s all.”

“Is it really?”

Again, he stayed silent. Morgana and Ryuji exchanged a brief look, then the cat sighed, shaking his little head.

“I’ll go take a walk,” he said.

Morgana jumped out of the bed, going downstairs. Ryuji watched him, then turned his attention to his boyfriend, who seemed tense, and still avoided looking at him.

“Aki...” he called in a low, gentle voice, while still caressing his hair. “What’s happening?”

“It’s nothing.”

Despite his answer, Akira’s words lacked their previous stubbornness, as if being alone with Ryuji made him lower his guard a little.

“C’mon, babe...” insisted Ryuji. “Talk to me.”

Akira hesitated for a while, but a last “please” from Ryuji made him finally answer.

“They make it seem like I don’t eat because I’m being difficult, or whatever,” he said. “But I tried to. And, every time, I just put it all out.”

“Is it that bad?” asked Ryuji, concerned. “Should I go with you to the hospital?”

“No, it’s…” Akira made a pause, bitting the inside of his lip. “I’m just thinking too much about things, and it makes me all nervous. So I can’t eat, or sleep… Every time I try to do something, I have this bad feeling and I just have to go back to bed. I don’t know how to explain it, but…” he sighed, lowering his gaze. “I’m really tired.”

Ryuji noticed his lip trembling, and his heart sank a little.

“It’s because of what happened, right?” he asked.

Akira nodded.

“Yeah… And there’s Akechi too.”

“Akechi?” repeated Ryuji, furrowing his brow.

Akira shifted over the mattress, pulling the blanket closer to his body, until it almost covered his face.

“I know it’s stupid, but…” his voice was low, and even a little frustrated. “I really hoped he wouldn’t do it in the end. I tried talking to him before, many times, and part of me thought we were getting close. I hoped… he’d change his mind.”

“I see…”

Ryuji hadn’t considered that before. To him, Akechi had always been a pretentious, annoying guy, so he simply assumed everyone else thought the same. Apparently, once again, he had been wrong.

“Part of me wanted to think of him as a friend,” proceeded Akira, “but he still didn’t think twice before pulling the trigger, right?” A low, humorless laugh left his lips. “Damn… I feel so stupid.”

“You did what you could for that guy, he’s just…” Ryuji twisted his lips, having to control himself not to say the first things that came to mind. “Not worth the effort.”

“I guess…”

Ryuji observed him for a while, unsure of how he could help his boyfriend. He wasn’t that good with talking, or comforting others, so part of him feared making things worse if he chose the wrong words.

“Sorry…”

Those words made Ryuji stare at him, confused.

“Why?” he asked.

“This is so stupid…” proceeded Akira. “I knew it would happen from the beginning, and still, I—”

“C’mon, dude,” Ryuji interrupted him. “Don’t apologize for stuff like this, okay? I asked you ‘cause I wanna know what’s wrong.”

Akira agreed with a small nod. He didn’t look any better, though, and it worried Ryuji: he still had a bad feeling about all that, though he couldn’t really point why.

“Is that why you can’t eat, or sleep?” he asked.

Akira shrugged, without looking at him.

“Is somethin’ else bothering you?” insisted Ryuji.

It took Akira a while to answer.

“No,” he said. “I’m fine.”

That same answer again… At that point, those words meant the same as nothing to Ryuji. It was a little frustrating, to feel like Akira was pushing him away, no matter how much he tried to approach him. But he kept those feelings inside his chest for the moment.

“Can I lie in the bed with you?” he asked.

Akira gave him some space, until his back was close to the wall, and Ryuji shifted on the bed, until he was lying beside his partner. Akira moved closer, resting his head on Ryuji’s chest, while his boyfriend drew small circles on his back with his fingers.

“Aki…” he started to say after a while, trying to find the best words. “I’m really worried about you, y’know?”

“Sorry…”

“No, that’s not what I meant, ” he added quickly. “But you keep all this stuff to yourself, and I… Really, I don’t know how to help.”

“You don’t have to,” said Akira. “I’m—”

“You’re not fine,” said Ryuji. “You’re not eatin’, or sleepin’… Your mind always seems to be somewhere else, like there’s somethin’ bothering you that you’re not talking about.”

Akira stayed silent, and Ryuji feared he would just shut himself even more after that.

“I hate to see you like this, okay?” he proceeded in a low tone. “I know you’re hurtin’, and I just wanna help… But I can’t do anything if you don’t let me.”

Again, no answer.

“Aki, please…” he asked. “Trust me, okay? I just wanna help you.”

This time, Akira finally answered.

“But this is so stupid…” his voice was so low Ryuji could barely hear it.

“If it’s hurtin’ you, it’s not stupid.”

Akira hesitated for a while, and Ryuji didn’t try to rush him.

“I think I’m… I don’t know, scared?” he shifted a little beside Ryuji. “It’s hard to explain. I just have this… Thing. It’s like part of me is still in that interrogation room, or like I’ll be back there at any minute.” He groaned, frustrated. “I told you it’s fucking stupid…”

“Stop sayin’ it’s stupid,” asked Ryuji. “Just talk to me, okay?”

“But I don’t know what to say,” insisted Akira. “This is it… I just can’t stop thinking about it, and getting all nervous for no reason!”

Akira’s voice started to get a little louder, and Ryuji gave him some time to calm down, caressing his back in an attempt to comfort him.

“Listen, Aki…” he said after a while. “You went through a lot… We all know it, and no one’s gonna blame you for being scared.”

“But I know it makes no sense!” insisted Akira. “I try to tell myself this is stupid, but it doesn’t help…”

He stopped talking, burying his face on Ryuji’s t-shirt. Ryuji hugged him against his chest, giving him a brief kiss on the head, caressing his hair.

“Shh… It’s over now, babe,” he muttered. “You’re safe.”

“I know...” said Akira. “But this bad feeling just won’t go away. When I think it’s over, it just comes back when I’m not expecting, and everything gets worse.”

“Can I do something to help?”

“I don’t know…”

Akira dried his tears with the back of his hand, and Ryuji gave him a minute to recompose.

“When you start feeling bad, what do you do?” he asked.

“I just wait for it to stop,” said Akira.

“Would it be better if you talked to me about it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can you try?”

“You don’t have to—”

“Aki,” Ryuji interrupted him, in a gentle but firm voice. “I wanna help. I hate to know you’re hurtin’ alone, okay? I just want you to get better.”

Akira spent some time in silence, thinking.

“I don’t even know what to say…” he admitted.

“When you’re feeling bad, what do you think?” Ryuji asked, trying to help him start.

“I… I start remembering what happened in the interrogation room. Part of me feels like it’s not over yet… That at any moment I’ll realize I’m still there.”

He made a pause, and Ryuji reached for his hand, holding it.

“I don’t know if it’s because of the drugs, but I can’t remember it that well…” he proceeded. “It’s more like some parts of it, and only a few make sense. But I remember being scared, and in pain… And there was someone telling me they could keep hurting me like that, and no one would ever know. They kept asking me questions, but… I didn’t remember anything. I couldn’t answer, and it just made everything worse. I was so fucking scared… They just wouldn’t stop…”

A low sob left his throat, and Ryuji squeezed his hand lightly.

“Hey, it’s okay…” he said. “I’m here. You’re safe.”

“Sorry...” said Akira. “I thought I could deal better with all this.”

“Are you kiddin’? You’re so fuckin’ strong, Aki… I’m so proud of you.”

Saying that, Ryuji brought Akira’s hand to his lips, kissing it.

“I just wish I could do more to help you,” he admitted.

“You’re helping,” said Akira, raising his head to look at Ryuji. “I try not to show all this shit in front of the others… I don’t want them to worry about me, so… Talking to you makes it better.”

“Then, keep talkin’ to me, okay?” asked Ryuji. “Every time you need to… You don’t even have to think about it.”

“Okay.”

Ryuji caressed his cheek, being rewarded with a light smile from his boyfriend.

“Hey… Wanna try to eat something?” he asked.

Akira groaned, averting his gaze again.

“C’mon…” insisted Ryuji. “You can’t stop eatin’ like that. Just a little? I’ll bring it here, if you want.”

Akira hesitated, giving in a little later.

“Fine…” he said.

Ryuji smiled at the answer, carefully moving away from Akira, kissing his forehead before getting up.

“Okay… Be right back.”

He went downstairs, asking Sojiro for a plate of curry. The man didn’t say anything, but it was possible to see the relief in his eyes. Ryuji went back to the room a little later, holding a tray with the food and a cup of juice.

“You’ll have to sit,” he said.

Akira grumbled something, but Ryuji didn’t give up. He placed the tray on the desk, approaching his boyfriend, helping him sit, placing the pillow on his back. Then, he got the tray, carefully putting it on Akira’s lap.

For a while, Akira simply stared at the food with a hesitant look.

“I don’t know if this is a good idea...” he said.

“You have to try,” insisted Ryuji. “Just do it slowly, okay? No need to rush.”

Akira nodded, then, after some more hesitation, he took a bite. He waited a little, and when nothing bad happened, he risked another one. He repeated that procedure, until he managed to eat almost half of his plate.

“I don’t think I can eat more than this,” he said.

“It’s okay, you did well,” Ryuji placed a hand on the back of his neck, caressing it. “You feeling alright?”

“Yeah… I’m fine.”

“That’s good.”

Akira looked at him, and a slightly amused smile took his face.

“What?” asked Ryuji.

“You’re pampering me so much…” said Akira. “I’ll get used to it.”

“Isn’t that why boyfriends exist?”

Ryuji took that tray, placing it on the desk again. He approached the bed, sitting with his back against the wall, while Akira accommodated himself between his legs. Ryuji hugged his waist, placing a brief kiss on his shoulder.

“Ryuji...”

“Hm?”

“It’s just...” he made a pause, searching for the words. “Since I came back, I was always under this impression that something bad would happen at any moment. But, after talking to you about all this, I’m feeling so much better.”

Hearing those words made Ryuji feel happy. He hugged Akira a little tighter, resting the chin over his shoulder.

“It’ll be fine, babe,” he said.

“Yeah…”

“You’re so damn strong, Aki…”

Akira didn’t answer, and Ryuji kissed his face.

“I’m getting a little sleepy…” admitted Akira.

“Sleep, then.”

“Hm-hm…”

He leaned against Ryuji, letting his body relax. Ryuji glanced at his boyfriend’s peaceful face, smiling at the sight.

Yes… Things would be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Ryuji being a soft and caring boyfriend is my weakness. Akira deserves so much love, and, if it depends on Ryuji, he'll receive all of it and much more (I might be a little emotional over these two...).
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this fic, kudos and comments are highly appreciated! ♥


End file.
